Once upon a time, there was a young woman named Bess. She had curly brown hair so dark that if it covered her eyes she was sure that it was night. She wasn’t tall by any of the modern standards, but she could easily reach the top shelf in any kitchen, but didn’t have to duck to get through doorways. She ate what she pleased, but should certainly never be considered heavy, as the amount of work she put into making her home sparkle kept her at a reasonably petit size. Bess lived in a reserved village in the lower missionary mountains called Prudence. In Prudence, all of the women did the cooking and cleaning, their full length dresses brushing the tops of their perfectly polished black patent leather shoes. The grey and black dresses looked elegantly simple next to the men’s grey shirt sleeves with their black suspenders clipped onto their black trousers. The villagers cherished simple traditions, such as communal meals, compulsory voting on all town issues, and church every Sunday. The sense of community was strong, and they intended it to stay that way. Whenever a lonely traveler wandered into the village, the entire population was there to help with whatever they could, be it a pot of food, shelter, or some spare clothes. The village had seen a steady rise in population, due to its strongly asserted belief that sex was solely for the purpose of procreation, and while there were no laws stating such, it was just the way things had always been and always should be. And most of the villagers didn’t dare push those boundaries.
Bess had always been a curious girl. The first person with a question, Bess often asked why the sky was blue, or why rain made a pounding sound on her roof instead of something more interesting. As she grew older she continued asking questions, but a sense of shame that is instilled in all churches kept her from asking them aloud. Why does wearing grey make you modest? Why can’t women work? Who decided that stroganoff tasted good? These were questions that she never got answered, and not wanting to upset the village elders, she kept them buried deep inside her. As she entered maturity, found a young man named Hal, and found herself married and trying to have children the questions got more personal. Why is trying to reproduce so boring? Why does it only feel kind of good? Why can Hal go inside me, but I can’t go inside him? She hoped and prayed that one day someone could answer these questions for her, but never imagined anyone would. Until one fateful day…
A new woman had come into the village from the far eastern town of Tantra. This newcomer had introduced herself as Virginia. Virginia would regale the townswomen with stories from back home, where all sorts of behaviors that would make your grandparents blush took place on a nightly basis. Bess found herself enthralled in every tale, and was amazed to have found someone who she was sure had answers to all of the questions that she had. One day, Bess found herself washing her clothing next to Virginia.
“Oh, Virginia! Do tell me more stories about your home!”
“You don’t want to hear those old stories anymore Bess, you have a great town here. Those vile, vile things they would do at home… oh sure they feel great, but you don’t have nearly the same connection to The Almighty as you do here.”
Bess wanted to shake Virginia by the shoulders and force her to tell all of her stories, but being a good Prudencite, she held back.
“Please! I have to know about… something.” Bess said, not sure of the right way to approach the subject she had on her mind. She immediately shot her gaze back to her laundry, and started scrubbing twice as hard, biting her lip and wondering why she couldn’t just know things instead of having to ask.
“What do you want to know about?” Virginia asked.
Please don’t make me say it… Bess though. After a few moments in silent, both women trying not to meet the eyes of the other for fear of having to be direct, Bess finally cracked.
“I want to know why you had such a good time trying to procreate in Tantra! I want to know why when I do it here, it is ever so dull. Is there anything I can do to make it more enjoyable?”
Virginia sat stunned for a good long time. She fought the smirk that started to pull the corners of her lips towards her ears, as memories of long nights wrapped around countless male suitors flashed through her blond little head. Virginia could tell Bess all of the best ways to make reproduction curl her toes, or how to hold back from screaming while in the act, but didn’t want to ruin the wide eyed and innocent girl. How Virginia longed to go back to the all night town gatherings, everyone naked as the day they were born, and huddled in a seething mass. Virginia’s green eyes started to glisten with the thought of never returning home, and before any tears could work their way out she reminded herself that she was living a better life now. But Bess was right. The way they would “do it” in Prudence was indeed boring for the woman. Lying on ones back for a few minutes was hardly an incentive to get bigger and bigger until the day that one would lie on ones back again, this time in mind numbing pain. Virginia carefully weighed the pros and cons of telling Bess her secrets, but then decided to do it anyway.
“I will tell you three secrets, and only three. If you use all of them, then you will understand why trying to reproduce is worth it. First, use your hand on yourself while it’s happening. Find a spot down there that feels good when you touch it, and keep on touching. Second, wrap your legs around him. This one is simple, but it will help, trust me. Finally…” Virginia looked around to see if anyone was watching them. There wasn’t. “Finally, stick this inside of him.” She removed a small black cone from her pocket. It was real thin on the top, but fattened as it approached the bottom before tapering off at the last second to its original size. It looked like a drain stopper for the sink, but bigger and longer. There was a circular base to it, and it could stand upright if set on something flat. Bess had no idea what the object would do, but after so much help for the first time, she didn’t care. She just wanted to go home and try it out.
“There is one thing I should tell you.” Virginia said. “You must be careful putting it inside of him, otherwise he will scream in pain, and you may never get another chance to use it. There is someone who can ensure that it will all go well, but it is a day’s journey from here.”
“Oh! I will go anywhere! Anywhere, as long as it makes procreation more fun!” Bess squealed.
“Very good. To the east there is a castle. Inside of this castle lives a matriarchal being called The Lube Faerie. She will help you. But know this, it is a treacherous journey. You must go over the Numbing Gel swamp, then through the Vibrator Forest, through the caves of Anal Bead Mountain, and then, only then can you find the Faerie’s castle. Be wary of the dangers along the way!” But before Virginia could explain the perils that lay ahead, Bess was gone, leaving her clothes by the water, stopping only to grab some food to eat on the way.
Bess was eager to start her journey, and as she ran down the hills towards the east, she thought of the happiness this journey was sure to bring. Surely anyone from the town of Tantra would know how to make anything feel good, and as the feeling of pleasure already started welling up inside of her, she came to the edge of the Numbing Gel Swamp. It was a dark, wet stretch of land, and the smell made her nose tingle, and then she couldn’t smell at all. The trees that rose like obelisks out of the still waters seemed to erode before her wide brown eyes. Bess tested the water by throwing in a twig, and as it hit the water, it bubbled, then smoked, then evaporated right out of the swamp. This poses a problem, Bess thought. As she looked around for solutions, or at least to see if it was a small enough swamp to walk across, she spotted a rowboat. This boat was not a new vessel worthy of breaking champagne on, but its rotting hull seemed just sturdy enough to make one last journey across the water. Bess hoped that it didn’t belong to anyone, and when she approached it, she saw on the oars a message that had been carved a long time ago:
“Use this boat to cross the swamp, if it’s The Lube Faerie that you want.”
Bess was filled with confidence. She knew that this rickety boat would get her to the other side, and she would be able to keep going! She pushed and pushed, and after working up a sweat and ripping the bottom of her dress on another twig so that it now came up to the knee, she managed to get the old boat into the water. There was a horrible hissing sound and smoke started to rise from the bottom of her vessel, so Bess knew that she should move quickly. Jumping in the boat, Bess landed on the wooden seat with a thud and a splash. Her impact caused some of the swamp to leap out, diving straight at her hand like an eagle hunting its prey. When the swamp water hit Bess she let out a yelp. Her hand had gone numb!
“Oh! What shall I do? I can’t hold boat oars if one of my hands won’t move!”
Determined to find the faerie she had already set out so far to find, Bess bit her lip and thought quickly. Her boat was starting to dissolve, and she figured she only had a few minutes to cross the swamp before she was lost to its numbing waters. As she thought, one of the last branches of a tree fell down into the swamp. It fell straight in, only about 3 feet down, before standing rigidly upright. Bess knew how she could cross! She thrust the oar behind her all the way to the bottom, being careful not to splash her other hand. She then pushed as hard as she could, propelling herself forward. Every push seemed harder than the last, and when she felt she couldn’t push any farther, she noticed the hole that had formed in the boat.
“Oh no!” Bess said “Will I ever make it to the other side?!”
Just then, the boat stopped. She had reached dry land.
The swamp had been dark and ominous, but not nearly as dark as the Vibrator Forest. The strange, brightly colored trees were so high that they blocked out the sun, their leafless, mushroom shaped tops seeming to stare down at Bess. There was an awful sound coming from every direction that sounded like a hive of angry bees. Bess wondered why there were some trees that were covered in bumps and why others were so smooth, but knew she would never get an answer as there didn’t seem to be another living soul around. Bess decided it was best to follow the path that was laid out before her. The path was just wide enough for her to walk down comfortably, without having to dodge the fallen trees that still kept buzzing. She walked for a long time, and each step reminded her of the snacks that she had brought with her. She wanted nothing more than to sit and eat, as she had been on the road for hours, but she felt like someone or something was watching her. And not just the trees. Bess couldn’t fight the feeling that she wasn’t alone in this desolate forest. So she kept on, and the path kept going straight. The forest was getting denser, and the little light there was had started to thin even more.
“Well I shouldn’t eat in the dark. That would just make me messy.” Bess said aloud, hoping someone would hear her sound reasoning, but also hoping there wasn’t anyone that was within ear shot. Certainly, if there was, they would have announced themselves by now, she thought. Settling on the fact that she was indeed along, Bess found a fallen tree and decided there was no place better for sitting and eating. As she walked up to it, she notices that it was shaking, the same with the rest of the trees.
“How dreadfully awful! That is no way for a log to behave! Even if it is a purple and oddly squishy log…” Bess sat down on the soft purple log anyway, as she was quite tired. As she sat down she found herself annoyed with the constant shaking. But the longer she sat there, eating her apple and roll of rye bread, she became more relaxed.
“This isn’t that bad…” she found herself thinking. After a few more minutes, she was quite pleased with the vibrations. She found herself wanting to feel them all over, and without thinking, she was face down on top of the log, each of her thin little legs on a different side. I feel fantastic, like something is building up inside of me, wanting to burst its way out, she would have said. But at that moment, the waves pulsing through her body, all she managed to say was “ohhhhhhhhhh.” This was a feeling that Bess had never had before. The spot of the log between her legs started to get moist, and Bess started rubbing her whole body up and down against the log. The intense feeling was like being in an ice bath next to a roaring fire, the conflicting extremes creating a tingling and happy medium. As her young heart started beating faster and she started gasping for breath, a sweat covering her brow from labor that seemed to come so easily, she was startled to hear a raspy voice in front of her.
“WHO DARES ENTER MY WOODS?!” said a voice that felt like hot coals in Bess’ ears. Bess sprang up from her resting place, panting and scared, but still feeling an odd sense of happiness. There was a woman standing in the path, wearing a skirt made of chains and no shirt. This green tinted woman had two more chains that attached to her breasts, and her long, sharp fingernails played with two metal clamps shaped like crows’ beaks.
“Who are you?” Bess stuttered as she asked.
“I am the Nipple Clamp Witch! Who are you, and why are you in my woods?!” the witch snarled back. Bess was terrified, but knew that she still had a journey to finish, and no horrifying witch was going to stop her.
“My name is Bess, and I am looking for The Lube Faerie.” Bess squeaked.
“The Lube Faerie? That old hag is my arch nemesis! Therefore you must be an enemy as well! I shall cast you in chains and hang you from the tallest of the trees!”
As The Nipple Clamp witch lunged forwards towards Bess, she tripped over the core of Bess’ apple. The metal crow’s beak snagged the top of Bess’ dress, tearing the neck and sleeves, leaving only the fabric around the chest intact. As the tops of Bess’ small breasts were exposed to fresh air outside of her own home for the first time, Bess found her feet tangled in the witches chains. As she started to run away from the witch she tripped, ripping the clamps off of the witch’s nipples. With a ding, the shiny metal slid across the ground, and the witch started to deflate. The hiss of the wind leaving the pruning body of the witch drowned out the buzzing of the trees, and soon it finished, once again leaving Bess alone in the woods.
“Well, I guess that’s that.” Bess said, looking at the greenish pile of skin on the ground, chains pointing every which way. “I should get going if I want to make it through Anal Bead Mountain before dark. But maybe I will sit for a while… I need to get my strength back after fighting that witch.” And she laid back down atop the log, this time staying there until she filled with forest with her own praise to God.
The sun was bright as Bess exited the woods. She was still tired, despite resting on her log for much longer than she anticipated. She trudged across the fields, the ominous Anal Bead Mountain growing ever closer. The sun was in its slow decent, and if she didn’t navigate the treacherous caves quickly it would surely be dark before she found the castle. The village would be worried, and they would all find out that she was out searching for The Lube Faerie. That would cement her as an outcast, and she would have to go live among the wild hillbillies of the Tang clan. As she drifted off into thought, she approached the base of the mountain. The mouth of the cave stood before her, open and inviting, with strangely warm air blowing out of it. She quickened her pace, trying desperately to speed her journey along, but didn’t notice the rock shards that guarded the path. Catching the bottom of her dress on one of the shards, and scraping her leg, she let out a yelp as her dressed ripped up to her mid thigh, and before she had time to check if she was bleeding, she her the low rumble and quick pitter patter of an avalanche. Living in the Missionary Mountains, she was accustomed to how to survive in these conditions, but decided to brave it and ran into the cave that she didn’t quite know how to navigate. The falling round rocks closed the mouth of the cave behind her, and soon she stood in the dark, the warm, damp walls surrounding her. Unsure of where to go next, she decided to put a hand on the wall and started moving forward.
Bess kept groping her way down the cave for what seemed like an eternity. After what she assumed had been years in the dark, there was a point of light up ahead. She started moving faster and faster, the light becoming brighter and brighter. She finally reached the orange glow, finding a huge colony of small grey creatures with giant pointy ears.
“Goblins!” Bess tried not to yell. They were busy working, building houses, and farms, and catapults, because goblins love catapults. She knew that they had a short temper and hated outsiders, so she hid behind a rock, and tried to plan her next move. The goblins seemed to crawl everywhere. She grew steadily more nervous as she couldn’t see any way out of their lair.
“Maybe if I offer them something they will show me how to leave. I’m sure they can be reasoned with.” Bess said to herself, trying very hard to sound convincing. But she had nothing, except for her ripped dress. Even goblins don’t care for ripped things, and they are creatures that spend all day working on machines that will throw them into walls. They are terribly unintelligent, and hate reason. All of these facts left Bess in quite the bind. She started to wonder if she had been too brash in wanting to find The Lube Faerie. She started to worry that she would never see Hal again, and that the… THE BLACK THING! Suddenly she was filled with hope as she remembered the black object that sent her on the quest in the first place. The goblins might find it interesting, and be willing to trade for it, but she didn’t care. She would fight a thousand goblins if it meant being able to put that black plug inside of Hal. She readied herself to fight, but didn’t even stand up before noticing a wooden sign, scrawled in undercommon (the language of vile creatures such as goblins). She had learned a little undercommon from her grandfather, and made out that the shaky handwriting said “out” with an arrow pointing down a narrow, barely lit cave.
“Oh. How lucky!” Bess said as she walked straight down the cave, finding the exit in no time.
The dank, dark cave stood in contrast with the beautiful landscape that now laid before young Bess. The brilliant sun danced across the sky, leaving trails of blue and purple and gold, a royal sky fit for, well, royalty. The green grass held pools of white viscous liquid, small semi-transparent rabbits drinking from them, and vibrating in tune with the far off forests. The center of her view was a tan castle, huge in comparison with anything from her small village. The castle had two large masses on the front, small red doors in the center of each. The other walls also seemed to have small entrances, some pink, some just darker tans, and some shaped like giant mouths. Bess had a tear come to her eye as she saw what she had traveled so far to get to. She started to run towards the castle, her exposed legs moving faster and faster until she was a tan and grey blur in the fields. When she arrived to the castle doors, she picked the mass closest to her, and flung open the door, not bothering with traditional manners, as she was too exhausted to care. When she entered she saw men, naked and ripped with muscles. They seemed to sparkle as if coming out of water at high noon. They gave her a friendly smile, and she felt her dress get moist between the legs once again. She asked loudly “Where do I find The Lube Faerie?!” and the men simply pointed down a long corridor.
Bess ran down the hall, before finally coming to a large door marked with a heart. She flew open the door, and was amazed at the beauty sitting before her. Not only was it the most beautiful woman she had ever seen, but she had striking green eyes; eyes that seemed too familiar.
“You made it Bess! I knew you would!” the Faerie exclaimed.
“How do you know my name?” Bess asked.
“It’s only been a few hours Bess, but you’ve been through a lot. And I do look a little different when I’m not wearing those dreadfully dull colors.”
“Virginia?” Bess asked, knowing the answer for the first time.
“Yes dear.” Virginia responded “I am indeed the Lube Faerie. I show up to small villages to find those in need of what I can provide, and then, after they prove their devotion to finding answers, I fill their needs.”
Bess was trying to figure out what all of this meant. She had trekked across such a vast distance, and was so very tired. She knew she had come to the right place, even though the fact that her fellow Pudencite was the one she was trying to find. Before the slew of questions that had come to her mind were able to come out of her mouth, Virginia spoke and interrupted her thoughts.
“Dear, I will answer your questions. I know you must be confused, and tired, but let me explain some things before I let you sleep. First, your village lives under the false pretense that God will only love you if you prove yourself with humility and reserve. This is not true. God loves you and wants you to be happy. She wants you to be happy, and to have physical happiness as well as mental. Second, all of the knowledge in the known world is in our library. We do indeed have answers to most of the questions that you ask, and it’s the answers that we don’t have that drive us to get more knowledge. Finally, sex, procreation, reproduction, “doing it”, all of this can be fun, it can be free, and it doesn’t have to end in 9 months of salmon cravings and a day of extreme pain.” Bess was swimming in a sea of extreme ecstasy with all of the answers she continued to get, but still wondered about Hal. He still lived in the boring town she left to find pleasure. She found it, but could she bring it back to him?
“You have a choice now, Bess” The Faerie said. “You can go back home, the Horny Pony, a relative to the unicorn, can fly you there in mere minutes. Or you can stay here, and enjoy your life without the boring colors. What will it be?”
Bess thought about it. She had a life back in Prudence. She grew up in the Missionaries, and loved them so. But The Faerie had a point, it was far more… interesting here in the castle. And Bess always hated the color grey. So in a flash Bess ripped off what was left of her dress, and yelled “Teach me more!” The Faerie closed her grand door with a wink to the men in the hallway and Bess never left the castle.