The Crunchy Manifesto

Lately, it seems, there has been a move to shut down the voices of the dissenters.  The ruling class has seen to it that those without power are kept hidden away in the dark, forced to keep their beliefs to themselves.  An uprising is brewing, and soon it will boil over into the daylight and change the world as we know it.

That’s right. There’s a crunchy peanut butter revolution in the making.

The bourgeoisie, creamy/smooth peanut butter lovers have oppressed those of us who savor the beloved nut itself.  They demand destruction.  Total obliteration of the legume, mashing the life out of it until it slides down their weak pallets.  Their oppression of the crunchy brothers and sisters is made clearest in grocery stores—the selection of creamy vastly outnumbers the selection of the true peanut butter, the rightful peanut butter.

And it’s not just in the spreads aisle, either.  Find the pre-made “Uncrustables.”  They too have fallen to their Creamy masters.  They’ve become slaves to the smooth demagogues, falling victim to their destructive ways.  The Creamy/Smooth movement that has choked this country for too long continues with its claws in the backs of the working crunchy lovers, jackboots and goosesteps, more sugar and less nut.  This shall not stand!

The Crunchy movement is sweeping through lunches (and sometimes dinners and breakfasts and even snacks!) throughout the country.  People have grown tired of the Creamy abuse of power.  Crunchy is the true peanut butter.  Crunchy maintains ties to it’s creator, the peanut, by keeping the wholesome power of the nut intact. It believes in realness, never letting go of its namesake.  Crunchy is the more versatile spread, going beyond its basic duties and fulfilling cookie recipes and more, helping its fellow man and leaving no one behind, like the short sighted Creamy.

We cannot stand aside while Creamy continues to take over the world.  We must rise up.  We must fight.  FOR CRUNCHY!