Monday, July 18, 2011

Italy #2

I'm not sure what i was hoping to get out of this trip. I was hoping for some sort of adventure, maybe? A world understanding? A vacation from America? Did i get any of it?

Sure, to a point. But more than that, I feel like i lost touch with any solid idea of where I belong. This isn't some existential crisis of "oh I don't know who I am!" no, this is an amplified feeling of not having a place in the world. This is masturbatory bitching about feeling lonely, while surrounded by people, half way across the world, and i can't seem to stop.

I prefer to alienate myself from others. I prefer to sit in my kitchen, complaining about how I feel lost, and confused, instead of actually talking to anyone. They are strangers. We've known each other for two weeks, and i'm supposed to turn to them for help? Certainly not. That requires opening up, going into details of the past, of the present, and hoping for someone to understand enough to be able to look at me as if i wasn't crazy and say "I get it."

I assume, based on preconceived notions of class, that I am alone in my mind numbingly boring anguish. I assume that i shit out bullshit and that's all it will ever be. Bullshit. My whole life revolves around me saying shit that isn't real, and the lines are starting to blur. I just want to be where I know where I am, and that, of course, means two things.

I don't know. What I'm trying to say is that I feel sad. So very, very sad.

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