Friday, November 12, 2010

How to Eat 3000 Calories a Day (And Not Gain a Pound)

So your skinny ass wants to live like a typical fat ass American? You want to have a protruding, greasy stomach with a deep sea oil well for a belly button? You want to ride a rascal and shop at Walmart and complain about how them “jap cars” are too damn small, and own a Hummer? Well, too fucking bad. Your wiry frame would never support that and you will forever be a twig. But that doesn’t mean you cant eat like the typical American! The intake will be hard at first, but you should give it the ol’ college try, because GOD BLESS THIS FAT FUCKING NATION!
First things first, you have to realize the initial irony of what you are doing. Perhaps irony doesn’t quite encompass the sad (pathetic, really) reality of keeping tabs on your caloric intake and nutritional information, even while the grease rolls down your sunken cheeks and onto your flat(ish) stomach. The real fatties will laugh at you, as you must snicker at others when the time comes. Although, you are attempting to eat a years worth of a North Vietnamese rationed calories in a day, you still have to read all of those boring numbers that mean nothing to the standard American. But while you will look like a yuppie, granola eating, rice cake fucker, the information you seek will aid you immensely. You should know that a package of poptarts is 420 calories, compared to the 540 from the same amount of donuts. A hundred calories here and there will make all the difference in the end. Use this knowledge and plan accordingly.


“The most important meal of the day” is it’s title for a reason. This is the way you start off, and sets the tone for your commitment for the rest of the day. It will be too early when you wake up, because chances are your life is hectic. Hence the heroine chic look you’ve got going on there you fucking twig. It should make you sick to look at you in the morning, those deep purple cow tongue bags under your eyes. Some may find your appearance “sexy” or even “healthy,” but those people are communists. Filthy, filthy communists. Since it’s early, though, you will need caffine, and none of that regular roast, drips for an hour bullshit. You need a triple latte with whole milk. Whole milk is the key here, because in order to balance the cattle prod shock to your metabolism, you need all the extra calories you can get. You probably don’t need me to tell you not to drink caffeine on an empty stomach, do you?
It’s a good idea to get something vile into your pit first, otherwise you’ll get the dry heaves and risk setting yourself back a stomach full. This is where those handy donuts come in. When you’re starting off eating like a disgusting pig, you should use those magical rings of carbs and fat to get you acclimated to the harsh commitment you have made. The first one is delicious. The second one builds character. Later, once your morning can involve real food, switch it up to the sausage, egg and cheese on a bagel. Another hundred calories, and some much needed grease. Don’t neglect any of that scalding hot bean juice with the cattle discharge. Drink it quick or it gets cold, and you might throw some out. Although being wasteful may help you feel more American, it wont make you feel like a disgusting blob, and that is really what we’re shooting for. You should probably smoke a cigarette at this point. It will settle your stretching stomach, and calm you down.


The stress of forced eating will make a pack of smokes a necessity. Nicotine is a wonderful drug, and it is completely safe. Never let anyone tell you otherwise. You should pace yourself, only smoke when you:
-finish eating
-are walking from the train
-are on breaks at work
-are inbetween classes
-are bored and not currently eating.
If your state has an indoor smoking ban, get your food to go, and smoke while you walk and eat. It is a trick maneuver, but with time you will come to master it. Practice makes perfect, and perfect is one pack for every one day.


KFC made lunch easy for the new power eater (you, you anorexic looking diva). The idea of an easy to eat chicken sandwich is great, but then they took it a step farther for you, you crybaby-barely-eats! Two deep fried chicken breasts for the buns. Cheese and bacon and mystery mayonnaise sauce for the fixings. And it comes with a large drink and potato wedges! All of this AND it’s a great 1290 calories! That’s more than a third of your day, and we’re in the home stretch! While eating lunch, it is probably a good time to take stock in your life, and figure out what all this will accomplish.


Why are you eating like you just spent ten months in an Iraqi prison? What made you want to live an extra large lifestyle inside of a child’s medium body? Think back to the last time you put something on and it didn’t fit. Chances are you don’t remember that ever happening. And the last time it did, it was because you got taller, not wider. You might have clothes that still fit you that you wore in elementary school. All these things are a trophy to your failures. You gain no mass, muscle or fat, no matter how hard you seem to try. You simply stay at a constant, boring state of stagnancy, moving not at all, until the end comes. And when it comes they will bury you in the suit you wore on your first date. When you were 15. Society pressure young men and women to stay skinny, to look good, and to be healthy, but all these messages get drowned out by everyone else buying into them. If you’ve reached this point, you’ve had at least one person say “oh! You’re so lucky to not gain weight. I would kill to be like you” or call you a slew of names in reference to your insultingly overactive metabolism. These people do not know the struggle that it takes to stay awake. Your blood sugar crashes at the drop of a hat, and 3 meals a day is a laughable under calculation. Walking around with snacks, making sure that you never eat celery for fear of the negative calories, never getting the body you want because you are forced to have the body you have now. This is what they are “envious” of. The grass is always greener, and while they pick at their salad, wishing they could eat a steak, you should be tallying up the numbers, trying to make it to an arbitrary goal. Because after the caffeine, nicotine, and natural metabolism, you’ll continue to stay the same size. But at least you’ll feel like a fat ass.


Well congratulations. You’ve made it to the final meal of the day. Assuming you’ve snuck an extra soda (a liter of Mountain Dew, 880 calories, a day keeps the… something away), you’ve met your goal. Passed it by 60 calories even. You’re blood is now 30% grease, and your pores will never forgive you for the salt, fat, grease, caffeine, smoke, and whatever stress your life is causing you. If you don’t hate yourself, you’re not really a God fearing American, so go back and try again tomorrow. Either way, it’s time to unwind with the last supper.
Honestly it doesn’t matter what you eat. Steak and potatoes would make you pretty Yankee-doodle-dandy, but so would wrapping yourself a burrito up in an American flag. After your first day, it might be easier to skip the meal and head straight into dessert. A pint of ice cream is a perfect nail in the coffin, and as you sit back, spoon in hand, with your stomach screaming death metal lyrics at the rest of your body, something will hit you. Your soul will sit there staring back at you, and you will realize that all is for not. That what you eat will mean shit, and you leave nothing more than an undersized jar of ashes in the end. So enjoy the company, and feast upon your feelings.

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